Rushin’ into the New Year [ Happy Russian New Year]

Ruski  Nove God! Beautiful, a wonderful joyous occasion: Old Russian New Year catches up with the new one and the sparkling apple juices comes out for round two.

I’ve decided to express my deepest most  melodramatic thoughts to this computer screen and try to scavenge through my mind a little easier. I’d like to figure out the arrhythmical sensation- that is what is thoughts by pinning it down  to the fact that before the fake Old Year  ends I want to have a few ideas  with a clearer view.

Here are two recreational psychedelic thoughts by me:

1) I feel stacks of emotions, stacks of thoughts, characters in books and movies don’t seem to be like this.

They have one thought at a time, instead I have ideas that I listen to every second, coming at me, throwing- and I know that’s how other people’s mind’s work too.

You can never simply just be “sad”- there are so many more layers to a single emotion. Let alone losing your train of thought while feeling, it’s a brain game. I like it.

What are my stacks of emotions currently? Well, I’m glad you asked silent website.

Leads us into number two so nicely, almost like I planned it…

2) I see everyone morphing into the person they want to be.

However, I feel like the person they are being is already taken by the person they were before. We remain constant, untouched. They might cut their hair and that will influence their feelings, but I don’t think we are our feelings or our thoughts. We are something greater- that being said, I actually have no idea what that means when it applies to me.

BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE?

I mean, I guess there is more despite the theatrics. The thing is I’m good at seeing things from an angle detached to my own life. As per usual I’d love to tell people “Dieting is the right answer”- but no way am I going to take out the Cheetos in my ear and refuse the deep-fried M&M’s.

But who am I? I know what I do, I know what I think and I know how I react. I don’t know why I like things.

How did I grow to dislike the taste of peppers or how did I grow to like the color of deep aqua turquoise over the other ones?

It bothers me that I don’t know exactly why I think in certain ways, I just do. And I’m growing to accept that, accept why I am who I am. And what parts of me make-up who I am- is it how other people see me? I know I love approval from people, I’m a human. Is it how I see myself as being seen by others? They are sometimes different, but I guess I won’t ever know for sure. Is it how I feel when I am alone? Is it how I feel?

I have so many questions and this Russian year’s precious minutes are ticking away. I haven’t won a noble peace prize or invented a time machine yet! I haven’t even drank out of a coconut!

Hormones. I love it.

Russian New Year, why do you do this to me.

Side note: Hormones are totally not even a thing, they just made up a word for why people emotionally get acne breakouts.

But I keep coming back to the same flow of revelation:

When will I be cool?

How does one be cool?

How does one be?

How does one?

How does?

How?

I guess part of me identifying myself as a person, is by analyzing the people too. I know no one has any clue what’s going on but I do know there might be one thing that might separate people on the inside. Ego.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but are we all driven by different extremities of selfish greed even for the most selfless acts? It seems so, I hate to admit it. If this a universal character trait, I’d still love to not have it label me inside my mind. I try so hard to be a good person, but sometimes I take a few steps back- I hate to admit it, but the level of which I deeply care for a cause vary upon my personal experiences with it.

I can’t think of a personal example but a generic one in the world: people that have close experiences with life-threatening situations  they are often the ones that are motivated to get rid of that in others’ lives. They are not wrong to do so, but in the long run- it’s all about trying to fill a void and accept ourselves and the world as much as we can. But I feel like that is a beautiful thing, even though they go into knowing it will benefit themselves also.

I think it’s good-bigheartedness if the good is fueled by the desire to recycle this positive Karma.

So now that I’ve thought about it, I guess I have my own answers.

Being a good person doesn’t mean being selfish even if the reason you are volunteering at an orphanage is to have good self- experiences, it is nonetheless a :good: thing. The universe made it so doing good, makes you feel good. As long as we are trying to feel good, doing good, being good, we are filled with more genuine love as we go. It means being happy with who you are and spreading that happiness to others and eventually seeing that reflect in the world.

Good. Good is good. good, good, good, good.

So in the long run, the answer is every little thing is alright because it’s not, but that’s perfectly OK. Whether I figure out what people think so many things, have so much exploration or why we are like the way we are, why we have preferences the way we do- or not at all. Life’s about trying, not understanding.

Understanding what it means to not. My life in 6 words. My past, and my resolution for this Russian Year!

Happy New Year Everybody! I hope it’s fantastic.

12:00 AM

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