Here it comes.
Let the flood gates open. The belief that something can happen fill my lungs. What I want from this year, is pretty simple. I want to feel more energetic, more rested and more ready to be as bold as I need to be. I’m ready to be completely alive and bursting at the seams ready to thrive, drink some tasty organic juice and being so healthy, beautiful and burning with life. Definitely, 2016 I struggled physically ( torn MCL on crutches for 6+ weeks, weeks+ out sleeping away pneumonia, started to get laryngitis after performing excessively all of a sudden and all sorts of universe praising stuff) as well as mentally trying to strain myself pushing, pushing and pushing I do not believe that is what I wanted. I always want to strive to cling to all of the life that is teeming in my brain, and I always try to match that imaginary answer to my own damn mind with projects, events, poems, weights lifted, writing, grades or conversations- I can’t get sleep until I succeed. The truth is, each time I achieve or find something real- that gold is pushed a bit farther away from me. Yes, this deep dissatisfaction pushes me further and further. Metaphorically. I will sleep like a rock for 14 hours unless if I’m yanked out of the coffin early. Anyways, pushing- has always been my weakness and my strength. I’m commended and congratulated and half the time I’m not sure what people will mention because of the speed. Heck, I don’t know anyone, debatably even me, who could list every project I’ve worked on this year. And for what? I’ve been moving at this speed that has worked for my life until this point, but has had its obvious consequences on me this year. I don’t aim to be pushing, to be glorifying business, I just want to feel full.
I’m ready for a bit of a change this year. I’m ready for some pulling. If my heart is a magnet and that imaginary answer to my own damn mind will be an attractive fridge. Saying “no”, and taking in projects, moments and memories fully into my heart, reflecting lots and letting go of some of that gold for the sake of burning with life through what really matters to me, forgetting about the less meaningful shit. I’m ready to take time to rest, and do what I love not because I feel like the magnets will get weaker, but because I am so attracted to my desires, it is physically fuller. Maybe that will mean being ok with being slow, not seeing immediate results and taking more time to develop opinions and ideas. Instead of racing, with optimism, but also detachment. I’m ready to slow down a bit, take in each bite of life and chew it fully before I swallow.
I’m ready to slaughter the stick lions in my ears.
Today’s new years was a scramble with minimal champagne and people counting down three seconds too late. I had a nice kiss, and some nice company.
A year goes by, and time to reflect and review in no particular order:
- Torn MCL + crutches 6 weeks after skiing accident
- Failed to get the Loran Scholarship after finals in Toronto
- Mental exhaustion/ constant stress/anxiety after this
- Probably didn’t actually go away until 6 months later
- Rashes breaking out all the time
- Sisterly love trip to San Diego
- Made it on the Vancouver Youth Slam Team
- Made a bunch of money performing poetry?
- Two bands broke up
- Good times with the boyfriend, especially adventures in the summer
- Won the TD scholarship!
- The best thing that happened to me this year
- Another Richmond World Fest organized!
- Helped produce the Richmond Youth Media Festival Exhibition of Evolution of Media
- Organized 1 art exhibition, 1 poetry exhibition at The Richmond Public Library
- Took some clown classes
- Graduated high school and SKY
- Decided to go to UBC
- Admitted into Bachelor of Media Studies
- Moved into residence at UBC
- New job at UBC
- Performed at a TEDx event
- Did my first powerlifting competition
- Fell of a sled
- Got a credit card
- Jumped into a really cold hole by a glacier waterfall
- Rode the Elevator!
- Went to Bloomington Indiana during the summer
- Went to Toronto and Ottawa for TD Scholarship Ceremony
- Retreat to Harrison Hot Springs with the youth slam team
- Made a chapbook!
- Made a website!
- Made a Facebook page